“Can bombs reach this far?”
“How do the bombs know where to go?”
The questions, direct and uneasy, began pelting teachers and parents even before the gulf fighting began. For American children, especially those with relatives in the military, war no longer seems remote or abstract. Television has made it as vivid as a bomb-blasted building or a rubble-choked street. Many children are evincing deep anxieties, and for the youngest, it doesn’t seem enough to be assured that it is all happening far away. “Far away,” for one Boston 5-year-old, is where his grandma lives, and he knows he can get there on a jet. “It’s hard for young kids to separate time and space,” says Richard Lodish, director of pre-school through fourth grade at the Sidwell Friends School in Washington, D.C. “They’re asking, “Are the bombs going to fall on my house? Am I going to be killed?’ For a kid sitting home alone now watching TV, it could be a very bad trip.”
As it happens, there is also an unprecedented array of counseling services available to children these days. Across the country, parents, teachers and psychologists are advising and guiding war-worried youngsters, using everything from maps to role-playing to allay their fears. In Minneapolis, school counselors sent parents a letter urging them to let children know their concerns are real and important, while helping them feel safe. In Massachusetts, children from kindergarten to 12th grade are participating in assemblies and classroom discussions about Middle East events, and they are being encouraged to seek individual help from counselors. “We’re addressing emotional needs and questions we never had to deal with before–like students who have mothers off to war,” says Newton school administrator Ed Lerner. In Leisure City, Fla., where about 40 percent of the 1,436 students at Campbell Drive Elementary School have a relative in the gulf, school counselors have been working with students since August.
The eruption of fighting has brought out concerns that young people have harbored for months. One 8-year-old in New Jersey told his parents he was afraid his school bus would be blown up by terrorists. Some children worried about Iraqi children being assaulted by American bombs. Laurie Tucker, a clinical psychologist in West Los Angeles, Calif., says most of her young patients keep mum until she broaches the subject–“then there’s a flood of response.” Some, Tucker found, were extremely frightened by the Jan. 15 deadline. “Kids are so concrete,” Tucker says. “They imagined that a bomb would explode near their house at 9:01 p.m.”
Children’s responses to the war threat vary at different ages. Six-year-olds may play soldier and show bravado; teenagers may tackle it on moral grounds. With all kids, counselors say, the most constructive approach is to get them engaging actively with the subject–by holding debates or writing reports. This gives them a sense of control. At the Lindley Avenue Baptist School in Tarzana, Calif., teacher Kathleen Shilala dramatized the gulf conflict for her preschoolers by snatching one of the students’ shoes, then explaining complications that could arise in negotiating its return. “How does that make you feel?” she asked. “Sad,” said a few small voices. “Sad and mad that you still have my shoe,” piped its owner, Darien Mathews.
With younger children, the challenge is to be honest without stirring up even more fears. Grown-ups themselves may be worried about the war, and even very young children pick that up. “The adults are feeling it and the children are little mirrors,” says Miami guidance counselor Gloriajay Harvey-Owen. Counselors recommend being candid but calm. “It’s reasonable to say, “I’m scared but I intend to go on with my normal activities’,” advises William Beardslee, clinical director of psychiatry at Boston’s Children’s Hospital. “You don’t want kids to feel rudderless.”
Steady as she goes seems to be the order of the day. But Rutgers University psychology professor Milton Schwebel’s message to parents could be as much a prayer as a prescription. “They should tell their children straight out,” he says, ““Our country is at war. We are upset. People are going to be hurt and be killed. But we, here, are going to be safe. Mom and Dad and the country will be safe and taking care of you’.”
Even at this age, they sense a lie. Explain things in terms they can grasp. Assure them their parents will protect them, no matter what.
They may be overimaginative and susceptible to scare stories about the war. Adults should help them sort out what’s real.
They understand more and you can discuss the issues with them openly, but they still need reassurance that they’ll be safe from harm.
They’re idealistic and ready to debate the morality of the war. Prepare to be challenged, and treat their arguments seriously.
