MANY FAMILIES who’ve had problems with foreign adoptions say they were unaware of the risks and unprepared for the challenges. Here are some suggestions for prospective parents from those who’ve been there:
This is perhaps the simplest step you can take, and certainly among the most important. Ask for references, especially from parents who’re adopted from the specific country-or even specific orphanage-you may be considering. Ask tough questions, and do not accept blithe assurances. Scams and rip-offs, though relatively rare, do happen.
Get together with parents who’re adopted from the country you’re considering. Ask what problems they’ve had, and what they’ve done about them. Support groups can furnish advice about navigating the bureaucracy of your child’s home country, and can help after the adoption with referrals to doctors, therapists or even just teachers of your kid’s native language.
Before you commit to a child, have his health records translated and interpreted, preferably by a pediatrician familiar with the vagaries of international adoption. Get photographs of your prospective child, and even a videotape if possible. In Russia, for instance, orphanage children have been purposely misdiagnosed with bogus afflictions, to circumvent laws that discouraged the adoption of healthy kids by foreigners. A doctor specializing in international adoptions can help sort fact from fiction.
Drinking, drugs or abuse in the home can lead to problems, and the sooner you know to look out for them, the sooner you can address them. You may be able to find out nothing-in China, for instance, many infant girls are abandoned anonymously by parents who favor male children. On the other hand, a child who winds up in an orphanage solely because of its sex may be a better risk than one who’s been removed from an abusive home.
The more time a child spends in an orphanage, the greater the potential for problems. It may also be a good idea to adopt only one child at a time. While sibling groups might be tempting, two or three children at once can be overwhelming.
The high emotional pitch of impending parenthood, jet lag and culture shock can stress parents to the limit. Sometimes, after spending thousands of dollars and arriving at an orphanage far from home, parents will be presented with an unexpectedly troubled child. It can be agonizing to turn down a child you’ve waited years for, and one for whom you represent perhaps the only hope. Be prepared to make tough calls at the spur of the moment.
Most medical problems can be readily treated; developmental problems are best addressed as soon as possible.
With time, love and the appropriate help, most children will turn out just fine.
